The ninth day of the fifth month in the 2729th year of our dispersion.

I unwittingly attended a pagan church service this week. My cousin was married at her residence and the ceremony was born of the occult and dedicated to the earth, sun, moon and stars. At one point in the ceremony the attendees were to get up and pour a ladle of water on a newly planted tree; the tree symbolized the new family which was created that day. I did not participate. I knew my father was telling me that it was improper to participate in a ceremony that honored false gods. It always makes me happy to know that He is looking out for me and warning me against doing things wrong. More and more I hope that His voice becomes clearer and His will becomes clearer to me.

I am finally home from work. The summer was difficult but I believe it was intended to be a growing experience for me. Postulating and writing are fine, but real world experience working and living with people in a stressful, high-energy setting is great training. I hit the wall at the end of the fifth week; my father ensured that I was put on cleaning duty for a week to regain my sanity. I made a few friends. He had them enter my life for a reason. I am not really sure what it is. I just hope that also becomes clear to me.

It's easy to think that because miracles and prophecies are not so commonplace, יהוה is not as active as He used to be. But I believe that He is. Scientists tell us that our moods, feelings, and even actions are in part dictated by chemicals - serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine. They tell us the weather is determined by pressure systems whose movements are predictable based on the factors that cause them to move and expand. They tell us that signs in the heavens are various named and categorized astronomical phenomena which we can study, predict, investigate, and maybe someday prevent. We think we know so much. What happens when one adopts the mindset that יהוה is responsible for these things? What happens when we reject the Platonic dualism that divorces "spiritual" from "physical"? Just because we can see it happening - just because we can see the neurotransmitters, the asteroids, and the jet stream - doesn't mean יהוה is not completely in charge, just like He always has been. The things we can see were placed there by Him and they operate according to His laws. He is active, all around us, showing us and speaking to us. We're just not listening. We're too wise in our own eyes. We think we have it figured out.

I think I am starting to be less confused about the way יהוה would have us to walk. This is what I have come up with this week: I know I have sinned tremendously and that I fall very short of the holy standard, the Law. But I had thought for many years that I was so far fallen that I could never be an effective messenger. I thought that I was still too far in sin and too far from holiness to be able to accomplish the work of my father. I see now that this was a deception. Part of it became obvious when I was working at camp this summer. It is an evangelical Christian camp, so I thought I would be working with others who were at least seeking to do what was right. But there was so much sin, sleeping around, and irresponsible behaviour. I do have things in my own heart that I find reprehensible, but seeing my life in contrast to the lives of those around me, it became clearer to me that יהוה was actually working in me and that I have made progress in my struggle to be holy as He is holy. I know that I cannot put myself above anyone else, and that's not what I'm trying to do. But David was able to boast, "I have remembered thy name, O LORD, in the night, and have kept thy law... The bands of the wicked have robbed me: but I have not forgotten thy law." It truly brings joy to realize that I have a new heart that inclines after יהוה. It truly brings satisfaction. May יהוה deliver me from falling into the pit of pride and arrogant self-righteousness. We must all be humble before Him. We are but dust, we are all sinners in need of mercy. But He is great and His law is great. I just hope He continues to work in me and help me become the person I should be.

It is my sincere hope that updates can continue regularly now that I am not constantly at work.